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What are the British like?
They're quiet people who don't like difficulties in their lives. They go into their houses and shut the doors and try to forget that there's a world outside. They're afraid of waiters, porters, and shop assistants; and they never say that the food in a restaurant is bad or that the clothes in a shop are too expensive. They don't like to argue with people.
They're very good-natured and believe everything you tell them. If you tell them that you come from the moon, they'll ask you what the weather's like there! But never try to make an Englishman do something that he doesn't want to do. He'll be as difficult as a donkey. He won't argue: he'll just say "No! "
Although the Englishman's such a quiet person, he becomes angry when people don't stand in a queue at a bus-stop, when cats come into his garden, when he must pay his taxes or when his football team doesn't win. If he feels very angry, he'll write to the newspapers about it.
Some people think that the British are very unfriendly: they never talk to people they don't know. But this is because they can't think what to say to them! It's also because they think it's wrong to talk to somebody who perhaps wants to be alone.
The Englishman's always very polite. If people need to stand up in a cinema so that he can get to his seat, he says: Excuse me. . . Thankyou! Excuse me. . . Thankyou! to each one. If he needs to go past twenty people, he says it twenty times! If he treads on your foot, he'll always say Sorry four or five times. "I'm sorry. I trod on your foot." "That's all right." "I didn't see it. I'm sorry." "It doesn't matter." "I'm sorry. Is your shoe dirty? " "No." "I'm sorry."
Because the Englishman's so polite, some people say that he's a very bad boy-friend. When he goes to the cinema with a girl, he doesn't hold her hand: he asks her if the seat's comfortable. The Englishman believes that people in other countries are much better lovers than he is: he thinks that men in Paris and Rome spend all their lives in night clubs with beautiful women!
The British always speak foreign languages very badly. They feel very silly when they need to say foreign words, and they say that it's much better for foreigners to learn English. When they're abroad, they're always afraid that someone's going to talk to them. If anyone does, they answer very loudly in English: they think that foreigners understand them better if they speak loudly. Although they're rather afraid of foreigners, the British also feel sorry for them. They think it's very difficult for them that they weren't born British!
The quietest Englishman will often behave very strangely. Well-dressed businessmen fly kites in parks, middle-aged women sing hymns outside pubs; old ladies ride bicycles across mountains; young men wear flowers in their hair. There are clubs in Britain for people who think the world's flat; there are clubs for people who like to wear the clothes of two hundred years ago and fight old wars again ! One of the Englishman's favourite ideas is the 'record'. He tries to put more people in a telephone box than ever before or stay longer in the bath than ever before.
The Englishman's a strange animal — but talk to him (he won't talk to you first). You'll find he's very friendly. He'll tell you all kinds of things that you don't want to know, show you all kinds of places that you don't want to go to — and perhaps ask you to come to his house for a cup of tea !